There is a very uninteresting (*very personal opinion) female writer, who wrote a self-help book for women that titles along the lines “How to Make every Man Want you”. I was on her blog yesterday. She discussed couple of things that touched me actually. I was surprised. First, she quotes one of her friends who said that everything in your life that is not “Hell YES!” should be automatically considered a “Hell NO!” It is a very interesting conception, very narrow minded as well. The formula wouldn’t work for a simple reason of people preferring a “Hell NO!” over “Hell YES!” at any point in time, just by giving a bit of analysis of the situation. (a) NO is safer. “Hell YES!” assumes a definite sureness of the decision. Now, how often does that happen? (b) First impression is so often wrong. For instance, over the course of last 3 weeks, I have changed opinion about some of my closest friends several times. Those who seemed to be betraying turned out to be quite truthful and logical. Those who seemed to be so sure, and speaking in pathetic terms “for life”, turned out to be weak and self concentrated. I would rather deal with an unsure situation that over the course of time brings you to correct “Hell Yes’s and No’s”, rather than facing the result of quick decision. But the idea is brilliant, and certainly applicable to life (in rare cases).

Another, much more interesting concept she discussed, was “Commitment.” It basically states, if you decided you would do something, commit to this idea, without giving extra thought to where you are going to get time and money. Once you commit to your decision to do something, there will be ways of reaching this goal. Obviously if you’ll think:”Well, I’ll do it when I have extra thousand… or free time”, you will never find either money or time. The idea is so simple at its core, that just trying to commit to the “commitment” will take a lot of time and dedication. Good luck, if you decide to follow.

The recent confusion I had faced with friends and relationships brought me down to a simple conclusion: There is something wrong with the way I live, even though it seems like I haven’t done anything wrong. (*Fine, not so simple) I had played by the rules of the society and failed. I started to wonder why, until yesterday I came across Berdyaev’s work that seemed to answer my question, even though directed at a different issue. I should share a quote with you:

“…Это и есть самый характерный процесс нашего времени. Человек не в силах удержать себя, защитить свою ценность, найти внутреннюю точку опоры, и он хватается, как за якорь спасения, за коллективы, коллективы коммунистические или национально-расовые, за государство, как земной абсолют, за организацию и технизацию жизни. Человек потерял свою целостность, разорвался на клочья.” From Николай Бердяев “СУДЬБА ЧЕЛОВЕКА В СОВРЕМЕННОМ МИРЕ”

In the same work, he is talking about capitalism as a system that created wolves. Man is an enemy to a man. “Capitalism is anti-personalization… The war had showed that there is no unity between people, besides the one that chained them together as a barracks-discipline.”

This thought brought me down to thinking, how are my actions not a result of such discipline. I have created a group of people around me, so called “circle of trust”, yet no one there I had trusted completely. This social unit had been my “saving anchor”, and it failed, for the reasons of mistrust. Now, was it wrong to mistrust? It was not. It turned out that many of those people shouldn’t have been trusted in a first place. Now back to “Hell YES!” and “Hell NO!” Those who were trusted, failed to live up to that trust, and those who were not, didn’t. Can I be mistaken again?-“Hell YES!” Is it a good reason to break out of the social-life routine?-“Hell NO!”

The question remains, however, why did we die out as a society of individuals and why our morals are not standing up in a simple and seemingly easy test the life had thrown?